sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
