i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
