I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
