My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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