So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize