My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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