so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
