How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
