Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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