Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
