There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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