Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
