I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
