I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
