All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize