I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
