she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
