i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
