you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
birth control should be required to get into college
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
