You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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