i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
