Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
