Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
All I want is dick and wine.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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