I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
