I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
