There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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