You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
