Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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