Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
