You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize