i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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