Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
