RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize