I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
