Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
