I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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