how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
