my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
