i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
