Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
jump out the window naked night went bad
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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