I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize