I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
