I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
