I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
