And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
