my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
