Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
