No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
40s are totally the cure
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
