she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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