Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
