Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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