You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
