The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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