I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
