Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
