That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
