i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
