I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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