It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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