if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
