I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
