can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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