im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
