: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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