is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
