the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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