You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
