broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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